Randomosity: The Return

I haven't posted this in a while so I will now. It's a good thing I had this saved.

Pieces to the mystery of my past

You know, I could sit here right now and tell you all of the potentially embarrasing shit that I've been through in my life, and it won't matter to me. For to feel embarrased about anything, you must first feel shame, and shame is something i do not feel. I am not ashamed about a damn thing I've been through in my life. I also have no regrets, for one thing, every single thing I do, no matter how random or fucked up it is, it is always planned before hand, mostly just to see the looks on other peoples faces when I do something. My every move is pre-planned and well thought out. So if I do something, it's becuz I meant to do it.

For my entire life, I've finally come to terms that I've been lying to myself and trying to be something I'm not. So for the first time I started accepting what I've always been: evil minded.Soon, very soon, I'll reveal to the whole world the real me and what it's like to be me. Of course, I could care less about most of everyone, but there is someone that I think about and it bothers me. It bothers me that the motherfucker isn't dead. And yes, if I have the chance, I'll put a bullet in his fucking head and make sure he ends up in hell. He is the only person that I want dead and want to kill him myself. No one else matters to me, but hell, if they die, I'm not gonna shed a fucking tear for them. Fuck them. They don't deserve my pity or my sympathy. And I pity none, nor shall I ever allow anyone to pity me.

So when I was 12, I decided that I was sick of everyone's shit, and that's when I told my extremely religious (christian) grandmother that I was atheist. Who I would have said was god's little whore so to speak. I told her I was atheist right to her face and I was really cold and cruel about it. Funny thing that, they didn't question it, not once. All they knew was that I didn't believe, and so, they pretty much treated me like the outcast I was. I expected at least some questions like "what made you turn your back on god" and I would've told them "cuz god is a fucking crack whore". Well, I think it was more becuz it would emotionally cripple them and that's why I did it. Hey I never said I was good. Every little thing that someone tells me about them is fuel and the day they piss me off is the day I use all of that shit against them.

Probably one thing that no one knows about me is this. I would say that my physical weakness is the wind, and the colder it is, the more I get pissed. Like it's god's way of saying that he hates me lol. well I hate his fat ass too, so it's mutual. For years every time that has happened, I always cover myself in the cold wind and say "fuck you" as loud as I can. I wonder why if I didn't believe I kept on doing that, like I was telling god himself to kiss my ass. I walk down the street and the wind blows and i'm telling god that he's a sick sadistic son of a bitch who, for all I ca, can rot in hell. Not that it matters, cuz it always blows harder when I do that, but I refuse to let it bother me.

When I was 14, I got arrested for the first time, but only cuz I was stupid. When I was 16 I had a trespassing warrant put out against me. And not to mention all those times I skipped school just cuz I hated all the fucking mediocrity. I used to skip all the time in my senior year of high school. And I wonder how I managed to graduate. They told me it didn't matter, I'd graduate anyway. I think they just wanted me gone lol. And so I graduated at 17, 16 had I not failed 4th grade, but it doesn't matter now anyway. My last year was difficult and also when I tried suicide, but gave up when I failed at it. That was when I stopped caring.

It's been about 10 years since the last time I ever saw my supposed "family" and 8 years since the last time I was back in Florida. And of course, last year I went to see my brother in England. I can say that, for years, the angels and demons have been warring in my head. But I think that I'm starting to push the angels out of my head, and of course, I keep all of my demons close.

Well, I think that's all I'll share for now. After all, to tell anyone every single thing about me just isn't any fun to me lol. So I remain a mystery as I fade to black.